I am sharing this picture to share the story that goes along with it.
2023 started a bit heavy as a wave of depression took over me again. Although all goes in the right direction around me otherwise, my shadows returned to haunt my mind once more.
When I share dreamy pictures of my way of life and the magical nature here, I often hear that I am lucky. But what isn’t seen in those pictures is the wounds that weave this story and which are a part of the reason I am here today and live this rather unconventional and primitive life (at least compared to western standard). When people visit me, I often realise that not many could actually thrive with this way of life, because I am rather isolated. Not that I live that far away from society, but that I make close to no effort to meet others, or at least definitely not on a regular basis and I am not exactly that good either at keeping in touch online.
I have always struggled to connect with people. I have always gone off on my own into my little universe. But although this is where I am genuinely happy, I have thought my whole life that my way of being was wrong. You should socialize, you should be a part of a community, this is our basic need as human beings. I have tried so long to change this part of me, to learn to connect and socialise like others do so naturally. And yet, I have come to a point where it feels like this isn’t something I can change. This is who I am, this is how I am when I come to my core.
I can feel pure bliss in solitude, just being in my own world that is filled with magic, music and nature. But sometimes, this solitude turns to loneliness, when feeling unable to connect with others becomes extremely heavy. There are only very few people I naturally connect with, and even then I still need a significant amount of “I just want to go in my magical reality” time. I have thought for a long time that this is just the result of trauma and that this, the fact that I cannot socialise like others, is something that needs healing so I can become “normal” again. But now, I think the trauma comes from not having been accepted as who I actually am and never been fully understood, and especially that I did not accept nor understand myself in the first place.
Anyway, and this is when this picture gets relevant here, as my mind was full of dark thought and unable to see the light ahead because I just felt deeply empty and lonely, I went home as always to lit a fire and seek comfort in the warmth of the flames… when I saw I had a visitor - this lovely stoat (who has found its own way in and out of the cabin). I came inside just to find myself face to face with it, and as we saw into each other’s eyes and we both seemed comfortable in each other’s presence, it instantly felt like this veil of darkness that had kept me imprisoned into self destructive thought patterns just dropped. And all that was painful, and all that was sorrow faded away with it, at least for this round. Something about the fact that stoats too are loners reflects on some aspects of my life. It was a moment of pure magic. To me, it was a sacred connection.
I follow my own path, and where I cannot function “normally”, I have found alternative ways of for example connecting to the outside world. This part of my healing journey is not about transforming, but about acceptance. By observing nature, being in contact with it, feeling one with it and learning about it, one learns about diversity and acceptance for our differences and needs as species and as individual. We all have a place in the wheel of life, and we all carry our gift as who we are.